swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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