I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
