i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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