Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize