Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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