this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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