Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Liz is crying about burritos again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize