It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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