3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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