cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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