we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
