he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize