dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
