I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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