I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
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