we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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