is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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