So drunk its hurt
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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