I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
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