I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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