Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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