I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
