Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
