I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
