We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
