hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
