whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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