I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
