Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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