my soul wont recognize me after tonight
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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