If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
