saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
