How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
