please come you make the beer taste better
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
