I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
