I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
