I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
