You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
