Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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