My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
