We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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