You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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