ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
