if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
accomplished twins. life is a go
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
