why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
how does that bad decision feel?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
