I'm laying in your front yard are you home
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
