did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
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