I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
