Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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