saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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