Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize