theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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