i wish my penis had a tongue
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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