I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
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