Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize