i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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