I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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