So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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