My underwear smells like fireworks.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize