I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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