some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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