Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
