The maid of honor just puked.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
