I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
