You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
