quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
