i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
