Whod you bang
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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