I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
